I can't feel the baby - Part 4

Friday 20th September 2024

Throughout my entire pregnancy I'd probably been into the maternity triage unit around 10 times, every time I felt silly as I'd always get hooked up to the CTG machine and my baby would end up kicking and rolling around for fun, the midwives always laughed and told me not to feel silly as they would rather see a mother with a baby with a heartbeat and lots of movements then the sad alternative which happens way more then I'd dared to think about. 

12am

I'd not been sleeping very well, it was hard to get comfortable with a bump so big, I rotated from side to side but was just so very uncomfortable and in pain with a sore back. I'd often just lie there and place my hand on my bump and would usually get a kick back from baby but this time nothing, I tried drinking cold water, jumping up and down and even listened to some music through my air pods so I didn't wake my husband up but nothing seemed to work. I tried to get some more sleep but was just feeling more and more upset as the minutes passed.

1am

By this point I woke my husband up, cried my eyes out and told him what was going on, we agreed it was probably best if I phoned triage to get some advice on the reduced movements.
I phoned up Lancaster as usual and explained what had been going on, given my situation I was advised to go to Preston hospital to have some monitoring done and make sure baby was okay.
If anything was to go wrong I'd be in the best place possible with a NICU to look after my little one.

I packed up my hospital bag and made sure I had everything just in case, little did I know this would be the last time I'd sleep in my own bed for quite some time. 

I remember on the way to hospital I sat in complete silence, I remember updating my mum what was happening, they were away on holiday in Thailand so the time difference worked in my favour so I knew I could message her and would get a response. She tried her best to reassure me but I was just upset and worried and nothing was making me feel any better.

Once we arrived at the hospital I was attached to the good old CTG machine again and again it failed to meet the criteria, they agreed it was best to admit me so they could continue to monitor the baby and I was in the best place if something was to happen.

With only being 40 minutes from home we thought it would be best for my husband to drive home and try to get some sleep in a comfortable bed, everyone knows those pull out beds are not the best!!
I tried to get some sleep myself but trying to do this on a ward full of beeps and alarms combined with someone checking on me every few hours and the constant bathroom trips, I probably had about 2 hours sleep!

8am

I was told to go downstairs to see the specialist doctor for another scan.
Whilst I patiently laid there for around 15 minutes, both myself and the doctor in complete silence deep down I knew it was going to be bad news by just the look on her face.

"We need to deliver the baby today"

Those words are forever engraved in my brain, the life changing words that sent me into a panicked spiral of fear of the unknown. 

My precious little baby that I'd kept safe inside me for 8 months had a heartbeat but wasn't moving, the doctor was extremely worried. The conversation was rushed and blurry, it's like I was listening to what she was saying but mentally I was just checked out, my head full of thoughts and worries that I just couldn't process without bursting into tears. 

As walked back to the ward, I phoned my husband and told him what was going on, I tried to be calm but at the same time I couldn't stop crying.
I told him to get here quickly but also drive safely.

On my arrival back to the ward I was greeted with a plate of warm buttery toast and then it was taken away from me and I was told I couldn't eat anything due to surgery being planned for 2pm. What a lovely start to the day, I'd not eaten since 6pm the night before so this was absolute torture.

Over the next few hours I met with surgeons, anaesthetists and a neonatal doctors and the NICU team, we went through what would happen once our little baby was delivered. 

Walking down to the operating theatre was very surreal, it didn't feel like we were going to have a baby it felt scary and I felt sick to my stomach.

Myself and my husband actually spoke on the way into theatre about the "what if's" and would we try again if something bad happened, no parents to be should have to think about those things when going to have a baby, I wasn't excited, I was scared and just numb.

All the plans i had made with my midwife regarding the calm birth i wanted just gone out the window.